Well my son has just passed two months old, and I'm finally at a point where I look back on the ups and downs of my most life-changing experience ever with a calm and balanced mind. It's been a complete rollercoaster of emotions going from delirious happiness to 'OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE I'VE RUINED MY LIFE' moments when confronted with evenings of continual screaming and filthy nappies. I'm happy to say though, that I'm now firmly in the camp of the happy feelings and good times.
Nothing could have prepared my wife and I for this. No amount of younger siblings, nieces, nephews or evenings babysitting can possible prepare you for the full 24/7 experience of caring for your own child with no option of changing your mind or taking him back to the shop for a refund. There is literally no choice but to stick with it, enjoy the ups, get through the downs and let yourself slowly adjust to your new life.
Eight weeks down the road for us we are past the worst of it. He's not yet sleeping through the night but we can get him to sleep about 7pm (he's even getting better at settling himself - only about 10 mins of crying first!) and enjoy some precious adult evening time. We've got into a routine, we know how to calm the tears (most of the time) and I'm starting to forget what it felt like not to have the little guy around. He's turned us into a family :)
I have been inspired by many people throughout my life, but none more so than my big brother Duncan. He was born six years before me so throughout childhood we weren't particularly close; although we of course had great affection for each other we lived in very different worlds. He was beginning high school as I was just out of nursery and as soon as I arrived at high school he was off to university.
It was during his time at high school that Duncan fell in with the wrong crowd, began smoking and drinking heavily and found his studies to be less and less important. I was too young to understand what was happening, I just knew that there was much more tension in the house, my parents would be angry or distant for much of the time and Duncan was in the house as little as possible.
Ultimately university didn't work out so Duncan bought a small house and ended up working for the council. His drinking continued to a point where he was really losing his grip, we tried to support him as a family but one Christmas, after enduring days of his drunken ramblings I snapped and told him in a rather less then diplomatic way what I thought of his recent behaviour. Looking back I absolutely regret speaking to him in that way but I genuinely feel that it wasn't the true Duncan that I was addressing, it was instead this shadow of the former him that was being controlled by alcohol.
We didn't speak for a few months after that, but in the intervening time he quit drinking and began studying for a degree with the Open University. By the time we met up and buried the hatchet he was like a new man - a little battle-scarred admittedly but a sober, responsible brother with a renewed enthusiasm for life. He changed the whole way he lived his life; gaining promotions at work, taking up drum lessons, developing an interest in amateur photography and massively expanding his social life. A year later he'd quit smoking too. He even found the time for a regular curry night with his brother!
For him to turn his life around so suddenly and so dramatically took a strength that most people only ever dream of having. I will forever be so proud of him for that.
When my wife fell pregnant he was the first member of the family we told and he was thrilled about the prospect of becoming an uncle. He came to visit us at the first opportunity, bringing with him a huge stuffed bear (which to this day is still bigger than my child) and suggesting that he be referred to as 'Uncle Duncle'. We had never really discussed his thoughts of starting a family of his own but it seemed to me like although he would love to have that aspect to his life, he needed to find peace within himself before sharing his world with another to that extent. What I did know however is that when my child arrived it would be so showered with love from Duncan that it would be like having a second father.
On the day of our twenty week scan we discovered that we would be having a boy, and again Duncan was the first person I called (from the hospital car park!). He was delighted of course, but even more so when I told him that we'd like to give our son "Duncan" as a middle name. He actually had to hang up the phone because he was welling up in the middle of a crowded office but then proceeded to send a series of gushing text messages expressing his delight and honour. It was the best reaction we could have hoped for and I actually found myself becoming rather excited for him that after all the twists and turns of his life he would be able to help us shape this new life into a really amazing little person.
It was about six weeks later that I was working at my desk when I received an email from one of Duncan's colleagues saying he hadn't been in work for a few days and they were worried. I hadn't heard from him for a week or so (which wasn't unusual) and after trying his home phone and mobile numbers I called our mother, who lived fairly near to him, to ask if she had heard anything. She said she hadn't and immediately jumped into the car with her spare key to his house. The details here are not necessary and need not be shared, but suffice to say that normal boring rainy Monday rapidly turned into the worst day of my life. Suddenly, without any warning my brother had left this world never to return. He would never get to meet his nephew or watch him grow. All my son would know of Duncan would be the photographs, the stories and the big teddy bear - the only present he'll ever have from his dear uncle.
We said our final goodbyes to Duncan two weeks later on another rainy Monday morning.
Then the hardest task of all had to begin. I wont call it moving on, as to me that term implies forgetting about what has happened and consigning it firmly to history. Rather we had to begin the process of simply functioning again. My son would be arriving in three months and there was no way to slow him down, so for his sake if nothing else my wife and I had to bring back some sense of normality. I really struggled at first, and thanks to an extremely unsympathetic attitude in the company I worked for I ultimately quit my job to start my own business. It's a hard road to take, and I do find myself worrying about where my next payment will come from, but I try to remember the strength that Duncan had and use that to spur me on. I don't believe that he is "looking down on me" from any sort of afterlife, but I do believe that he would want me to live a happy, productive life and make sure that all the lessons he gave me are put to good use.
So here's to you Duncan. You were stronger than I'll ever be, had a heart as big as a planet and the world is seriously diminished without you. Rest well xx
The annual South by Southwest festival has kicked off in Austin, Texas. The BBC's North America Technology Correspondent Richard Taylor soaks up the atmosphere.
When it comes to tablet PCs my wife and I are fairly opposite in our requirements. I look for good opportunity to play about with a tablet - easy to develop apps on, good range of sensors, access to the file system, command line tools etc. My wife however is after a polished experience, little chance of a rogue app causing her problems and a high quality screen to work on.
So it will come as little surprise that with the recent releases of both the third edition iPad and the Asus Transformer Prime, both these tablets have made their way into my home.
Now what I'm about to say I'm sure will shock the people in the Apple and Android camps who are still busily battling each other on forums and blogs all over the net. They're both great!
I still get amazed at the passions people can have for their particular device and the venom that they can hold for any alternatives. They're computers. Let's try to keep some perspective here.
Apple were there first, they built a fantastic device and arguably defined what we mean by a tablet. They also again pulled off their "sellotape" move in managing to get people to use "iPad" as a catchall term for all tablet PCs, just as they did with "iPod" for all music players a few years back. However some big players are have now entered the Android camp. Remember Asus is the company that began the netbook revolution with their EeePC and as such are far from inexperienced at packing big features into small packages.
So getting down to the nuts and bolts of it, between the new iPad and the Asus Transformer Prime price is comparable, battery life is comparable and number of sensors is comparable. So in deciding between them my wife and I asked ourselves a few of questions:
Do you want full control of your device's file system?
Do you want desktop widgets?
Do you want USB and removable media support as standard?
Do you want flash?
Do you want the most polished experience possible?
Do you want all apps you use to have been tested and vetted as extensively as possible?
Do you want built-in support for 3G?
Do you want the best screen possible?
As it turned out the first four questions were most important to me whereas the second were most important to my wife. And that was the decision made! We're both very happy with our purchases, we both definitely have the right devices for our requirements, and neither of us feels the need to divorce the other for their choice!
Firstly I want to say that although I no longer consider myself to be a Buddhist, I still have the greatest respect for Buddhism and still go to classes at my local centre from time to time. I find these greatly helpful in living a happy life because they simply give practical ways of living a more peaceful life as a happy, relaxed and patient person. Who wouldn't want that?
They don't push any of the supernatural reincarnation/enlightenment side of things at you and you are free to take as much or as little from their teachings without the judgement you get from several other major religions.
Still though, I wanted to go over some of Buddhism's main teachings, and how they can all be taken from atheistic angle and be very beneficial to everyone no matter what you believe.
What is this beyond living well, having children, passing on the best parts of you to them and leaving the world happy that your legacy will live on. My son is almost three months old and already I find it amazing to look at him and know that he is quite literally half me. When I am gone he and our descendants will carry on, keeping me alive in a very real way.
Lets face it, if we've done bad things, no matter how much we may deny it to others or pretend we don't care there is a little seed of unsettled guilt placed in our heads. Equally when we do good things, we get a corresponding seed of happy satisfaction. Now I know that when my head is in a happy place I make better decisions, I cope better with tough situations and generally have a more balanced life. However when my head is unsettled I am less calm, more likely to act rashly and can end up creating problems for myself.
To me, this is all that karma is about. It's as if my own head is making sure that good actions are rewarded and bad actions are punished. No supernatural forces are needed to ensure that we know right from wrong.
This is the Buddhist biggie. Train your mind, leave attachment behind and you attain the complete peace of enlightenment, transcending the mortal world.
Now of course there can be no atheist equivalent to eternal peace in another plane of reality but perfect happiness and peace of mind area absolutely attainable by anyone. Stay mindful of your emotional state, don't sweat the small stuff and try to maintain perspective on the twists and turns of life and you'll be well on the way.
As for transcending the mortal life to a place of complete peace that's easy. If I live a long happy life surrounded by family and friends and watching my son grow up to have a family of his own I know that when my time comes I will leave with a happy and peaceful heart. To me that ticks the box quite happily!
Right now I am watching a balloon ascend to 120,000 feet so that Felix Baumgartner can jump out of it and hopefully break the sound barrier during his freefall. It's an incredibly brave and dangerous feat, so much so that the 'live' video feed is delayed by 60 seconds in case of a catastrophe. Just as with the Apollo moon landings, you can be sure that the American President had two speeches ready to go - one for if he survives and one for if he doesn't.
So often we hear people say that all the great adventures have been taken, and all the great discoveries have been made. Yet we regularly see incredible feats, pushing forward our human abilities as well as our technological ones. In the past year we have seen the first commercial spacecraft docking with the International Space Station, a one-ton rover delivered to Mars via a 'sky-crane', CERN's probable discovery of the Higgs Boson and the first person ever to cycle to the South Pole. Add Felix Baumgartner's achievement today and there is no way that anyone can claim that the era of achievement is over.
The world is amazing!
Edit: He made it!!!
The Dalai Lama, when asked what surprised him most about humanity, answered "Man. Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived."
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy game embarks on its next chapter on Saturday with the launch of a new online game.
Scientists develop machine 'able to simulate taste'
The world's biggest smartphone maker, Samsung, launches a free music streaming service called Milk Music.
Massachusetts passes a bill against taking indecent images of people in public, after a man who snapped photos up women's skirts goes scot-free.
Could this be the inspiration they need to make a full Portal feature film? I really hope so!
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson
about a battle that goes on inside people.
He said, "My son, the battle is between two "wolves" inside us all.
One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."